The Nth Blog

All I ever have to do is ask…

What’s stopping me is what remains of my sense of right and wrong, perhaps what counts as a conscience, no matter how slight.

Abuse? I’ve thought of it. Not doing any of it towards the desired ends are what set me apart from the lesser ones.

Just a little bit more, I’ll make it up, for myself and for those I…care about.

One thing about doing and saying: I’d rather do than say, because its easy to say without really meaning. Better to do and mean it from the ground up, even when pushed to the brink. At least it helps me sleep better…

As for sleeping, mayhap this condition is symptomatic to the dreams coming back…Or the other way around, I can never be absolutely sure. Perhaps once everything is quieter, I will make new observations. Til then…

…is harder than it looks, considering that:

1.) true nature is hardly acceptable, especially when deviancy is the norm
2.) expectation is way up in the air, right next to labels like "rocket scientist" and "lawyer"
3.) too many rules abound, and the desire to follow most of them. At some point, conflicts would erupt, necessitating the need for…
4.) overlapping levels of priority

At least when I log-on here (I’m not really active here, social recluse that I am), I no longer expect to get my ass kicked or my heart to be broken apart all over again. I think I might just be beyond those kind of days. The progress I’ve had in… "self-repair" has been astounding. There are less and less moments of depression and disappointment. Not for lack of trying or anything, but there’s always that uncanny feeling of something better…and worse.

Best be thankful for what we have and more thankful for what we don’t have, methinks.

We look for the spark, in others, with someone where it is possible to have something meaningful. Some know I’ve been to hell and back, almost moving heaven and earth for the longshots. Truth be told,I’ve only succeeded in deluding myself every so often, that what I’m fighting for is something worthwhile.

I had been wrong. Dead wrong.

I always went for the long shots and hoped against all probability that my efforts would not go unnoticed, that my advances in return, would be appreciated.

I once thought myself insane, but that too was a wrong assumption. People are inevitably sane; it is the world that is gone mad. The best we could do, as Kipling once said, is to "keep our head intact whilst everyone else loses theirs".

I’ve kept to myself all these years, always watching them from a distance, letting them slip through my fingers every single time. The pain is so ever present that I feel it on the inside and not once has it ever bothered me to change it, becoming something so natural as to be wrong, leaving my philosophies and outlooks ever so twisted and outright improbable.

I’ve been having a hard time keeping myself from going all out again, over someone who isn’t in the right frame of mind either. I was taught that rebbound is the worst phase to try starting a relationship, made more so by the fact of temporary insanity that comes alongside depression and break-ups in general, real or otherwise (pseudo- being the most popular term running around).

If I truly am as steadfast as most of my friends believe me to be, I have two more years of recovery, two more years of singuarity, two more years of blinders on, solitary confinement in a six’ by six’ cell in my mind where none else are welcome.

I don’t mind the solitude; hell, its so second-nature now that its like breathing for me. My only concern is getting too attached that the nature changes…and the complications arise. There will come a time when those complications need to be faced..but when? Will I still be here then? The fates conspire yet again; I just hope I’m doing the right thing - what is right beyond whatever excuses I can justify it as…

In the meantime, I resume my calling/s, and if you know me, its always more than one…

Every time I cared to look to the heavens this weekend, I saw none but dark heavy clouds offering the threat of a heavy downpour sometime down the line. Both times/days, I had plans to go out, making up for lost time during that streak of weekends I shut myself from the world, seeking something…

What I seek is perilous, difficult, but with results that are somewhat of a requisite for me to go on. Along the way, the learning process continues. Not so much as work-related and all that, but more on the fine-tuning of attitudes and such.  For instance, it seems as if my frustration tolerance is at an all-time high. I haven’t felt so good in ages! With the rest of my life, everything seems to be on an even keel…

Christmas is coming and I feel as if I’ve overdrawn for myself. One look in my room and I know I really should stop buying stuff for myself. On the shelves, there are always at least two back-to-back columns of books. I have roughly five days to resolve at least 50% of my christmas list. Bits and pieces of the items are already waiting to be wrapped, the rest have been caught in transit. I can do this, deadlines or no, it’s doable. I’ll just have to put my best foot forward in the morning then.

Unfortunately for any readers here, exploits (complete with some commentary and pics, always pics) exist elsewhere. For security reasons, mostly. Knowing me better, either you’re laughing at them now or are commenting; if not, contact your local Administrator.

In the meantime, Preacher’s Ancient History awaits!

I don’t usually post here anymore, as I find it tedious and redundant and most of my private thoughts are stored elsewhere.

A brief situationer though seems to be in order:

- the rift with The Patriarch is mended, though it seems a little too late. Signals point to the gradual descent into ill-health. Two Brothers of Chaos are sent on overnight watch, in the hope of coaxing some life back into the place and thus, into The Patriarch.

- having survived the second of two Maelstroms predicted every year, I am one step closer to fully "mending". December marks the seventh month, with 5 more before the next Maelstrom. If it falls on a weekend, it should be on a high note, as one more sordid weekday could prove…disastrous.

- DB has stopped subbing Naruto. Time will tell if a suitable replacement will come up…or if they’ll take it up again once the thrice damned fillers end

- Reming swerved ever so slightly, sparing the metro from utter darkness and further horrors, except those in the outlying provinces nearest its path. At the cost of losing a two-day extravaganza, in the long term, the move would prove more advantageous, and on a grander scale. The Farm is safe!

- a year and a half more. Once that checkpoint is made…all bets are off. However, one school of thought argues that a year and a half is no longer feasible, that it is already far too late for anything beyond that. Time will tell; it should…

As a construct composed of multiple components, humans tend to adjust according to predisposed schemas in their brains. Said schemas, coupled with emotions and further modified by the environments tend to bend the will, change the person in question in ways not readily predictable. I, for one, will admit to the sheer unpredictable nature of the human spirit, even in the face of layer upon layer of possible calculations, algorithms, AI-assisted forecasting, mindmaps processed using Terrahertz of power, etc.

In the above case, the unpredictability lies in the fact that humans are not constructs but rather organisms. No tried and true method has ever worked in fully mapping out one’s capabilities and limitations. In the end, it always remains in the human, the person, the individual, the power to choose, to break out of patterned behaviour, to rebel, to prove calculations, predictions and forecasts wrong…

Construction of an equation for this shift (further research into chaos theory possibly required) is well underway, if only to help stem the onset of insomnia. Building 3d castles, reading books, clearing vast expanses of land from demons and travelling the world is not enough…

Not even work, once load is exponentially increased and driven at a pace far beyond what is first considered humanly possible, is still not enough…

Maybe massive physical trauma is required, grave injuries concerning any and all possible parts of the human anatomy, to jumpstart the system? On the outside, it never shows, but I’ve come to realize that, no matter how much I try to help out and alleviate the strains in the lives of others, nothing, but NOTHING, can reduce those of mine. DId I mention that I am the only one that sees these things? No, my parents would shrug that there is nothing wrong with me. No, my friends would say I am as happy as can be. No, not even the trusted few I consider the High Council would attest to a hidden paradigm shift but would even find the idea laughable.

As in all things, once there is something known to be wrong, steps can be undertaken to fix it.
As I am the only one who has ever noted its presence, I am the only one qualified to fix it.
I can only hope that what I have in mind would be enough…for the good of the rest.

Funny too, how I would always value the happiness of the other rather than that of the self. The minute I am capable of reversing that…what then?

No one said it would be easy. It wasn’t. It never is. Fortunately (or just as unfortunately, as it so happens), I’ve experienced worse before and thus, anything below that is a walk in the park.

The operative phrase I’ve heard repeated time and again is:
"It does not show…"

Everytime I hear it, I smile and I tell myself: "That only means you can’t read me like the rest, that I am as adept at hiding my emotions and everything else I need to hide since I began, if not more so." The evolution from fresh grad to professional slacker to trainee to probationary Software Quality Analyst was not kind. I’ve had bad moments along the way (and it never shows, for some reason) and I’ve shocked a few people along the way (during the onset, my fellow trainees were in awe at how fast I finished tasks and then it was my instructor himself who was surprised when I opted into SQA rather than Mainframe) but as I look back, I progressed but without the pride it ought to have felt when it was officially over…

It feels as if all my efforts was for naught, that all I’ve struggled for…

For all I have, it is never enough to save others…

I’ve been distraught for the past few days, losing sleep though not getting bogged down by it, trying my damnedest to regain some sense of rest but I rise up, sore in places I never counted on, all things done with less than optimal effort and enthusiasm on my part. I eagerly anticipate a nigh insurmountable workload to come my way, to draw my attention away from this, but as of this week, all I’ve done is read up on requisite training documents, as my hardware refuses to cooperate and grant me sufficient bandwidth to work with.

It’s gotten so that I feel bad yet the tears refuse to show, where my eyes burn but without turning red, coming to the point that I’d like to confide and yet, I stop myself for confidants, true confidants that would never think less of you the moment you come clean, are very difficult to come by…

I want to go out, to see a movie, mayhap catch the weekend screening of the latest PPV to be released on our shores. I want to wallow in the freedom accorded by the weekend, to frolic beyond the alabaster walls of my citadel, my self-imposed exile, my familial prison…but alas, responsibility and strictures on resource management bind me to where I am, a calculated machine of a man specifically designed for productivity. As an employee, I do my bosses proud; as a human being, I am even less now than when I started now…

Oh, the loss has hit me hard. I fear it will take  someone I can trust, someone close, someone convincing enough to help me laugh my way out of this stupor…

But then again, a person with those specifications have yet to be found/born/manufactured…

- Demon Days like this one bodes well for me, reversing the ancient curse that haunts me on tuesdays, never mind almost getting run over twice by PUVs in the morning

- lines and paperwork worth three days of toil was chained together into roughly half a day, spread out over yesterday and today, with almost all clearances either attained or cued

- through connections of my uncle, was able to watch The Omen during a block screening for free

- gorged self on the first "big double" in two months

- seriously contemplate the gradual descent back into killing mode. Now that I’m sleeping less, expect patience and mercy to start decreasing too…

- notice that I only post here one every three months or twice in one month when I’m particularly peeved. Stressed is such an inappropriate word; appearances wise, I seem to be growing younger and attaining a caucasian tone what with all my nocturnalisms, hiding from the sun and such…

- restocked the pantry with 20 bags of Wasabi-flavored chips and two liters of malt-flavored soy milk, taken a glass a day, if not more. Must find five box pack of Extra Joss and all available boxes of Great Taste Mochaccino ASAP

I am, for all intents and purposes, a dangerous element in society. Like God, most would agree that I am "slow to anger and quick to forgive". But sometimes, just sometimes, all my patience and forgiveness goes right out the door and literal hell is unleashed.

To save everyone and everything I hold dear, I recede into the inner world where I can lash out as much as I want until my rage abates, destroying pretty much anything in my path. When I come back out, I feel better and the world, the one that matters, is again safe from my depradations.

Recently, my rage has yet to subside and I believe time falls short and staying in the inner world is no longer an option. An approach is to keep me too busy and thus dampen whatever possible reactions I might have, as none of those who brought this haze on is nowhere in proximity. I better prep for a long, hard day tomorrow, as it is reg and I don’t expect it to be anything but hell.

If not for friends, I would be dead and the rest of creation would just be peachy.

But no, some still believe and as such, I dare not disappoint.

…the more they stay the same.

My eyes burn with the monitor turning yellow. Right now, Im typing blindly, feeling around from what i remember from the keyboard. Good, but not to the extent that I would have liked. I have five more tasks to do and so, to end, will attend to them now…this can be resumed in another day…